Mirror, mirror, on the wall who’s the fairest of them all? I know we are all familiar with this little quote and have probably recited it a zillion times. However, the question I pose today is “what lies on the other side of the mirror?” What do you see when you look into the mirror? What does our identity reveal or do you even know what that is or encompasses. Honestly speaking, that (identity) took me the longest to uncover and I’m still doing the work on it. Growing up I would often question what my purpose was and why was I even created…neglecting the fact I could never truly unlock purpose because I was unaware of who I was and how fundamental identity is.
I battled low self-esteem for a great deal of my adolescence because my body matured faster than most and I had more curves and flab while others had the “ideal” figure. Throughout my teenage years I wanted to ‘fit in’ and be a part of what was cool at the time. I wanted desperately to blow the image that I wasn’t fun or relatable because my mom was stricter than all of my friends’ parents. I wanted to be at the parties, hanging out late, in relationship(s), young, wild, free, and yes, even having sex—it all ‘seemed’ to be the life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m NO saint! I’ve had my share of young, wild, and free moments more than once lol. I’m just saying I wasn’t a frequent flier and I often condemned myself, upbringing, and longed for the life of others. The ironic part is… I covered my emotions in accolades and being miss super involved and outgoing—things I am truly passionate about but many were birthed from my inadequacies. I had become so comfortable in the façade I created for myself. I desired material possessions to mask the pain and emptiness. Accolades to give an illusion of stability and normalcy. Reality didn’t set in until the death of the love of my life—three short years ago—when everything seemingly was stripped away.
Yes, I was 23 and had no clue as to who I was. I had become accustom to the identifiers I ascribed myself or allowed others to place on me, all the while never discovering Paris in her entirety. It’s kind of funny in retrospect because I use to laugh and judge others who would say, “I’m going to find myself,” often during a great exploration of the world. Now look at me. A grown 26-year-old young woman and mother, yearning for a place and to know who I am.
So for the past year I have been in strong pursuit of my identity. There were so many nights I cried for hours in despair of who I was and to become but more so hating who I was and/or saw when I truly looked in the mirror. I was angry, broken, battered, and oh so lost. For the record, I’m not saying I endured a ‘rough life’, horrible family trauma, or anything ambiguous we aim to blanket as just cause for emotional desolation. I’m expressing my journey because life still happens no matter how good or bad your life is or has been.
I was an item lost or simply discarded. I longed anxiously to be “claimed.” My despair allowed for unhealthy relationships and immense breeches in my soul foundation. You [we] become so eager to be spoken for that whatever the person speaking ascribes to you is now your identifier! Good, bad, ugly, right, wrong, or indifferent it now belongs to you due to your inability to seek deeper for you. There’s no shame in that because truth of the matter is, that was me at some point(s). I was unaware that I had already been claimed/spoken for and possess an immeasurable amount of value. For seemingly my entire life I had been bound by false identity until the end of the first quarter of 2018, God pulled me out.
Webster’s dictionary defines identity as a distinguishing character/personality of an individual; the condition of being the same with something described or asserted. However, biblically identity is typically always mentioned simultaneously with God; for example, Genesis 1:27 and Jeremiah 1:5. These two verses are so profound to me because in Genesis (the first book in the bible) God did not only create the world but he took the time to give us identity; identity in Him as soon as the formation of the world. Jeremiah 1:5 states, “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” God knew that with the perils of the world and the toils of the flesh we would struggle but He wanted our pursuit of Him to be endless and constantly increase. Identity is always paired with His presence. One cannot sincerely exist without the other.
God used these to show me that there is no TRUE identity without His presence. In the foundations of this world God saw fit to affirm us and remind us that we are his chosen people who have been appointed. It took me not just finding text to affirm who I was, but laying down who I THOUGHT I was or ever desired to be at my Father’s feet. He cannot restore what has not been torn down! As my pastor stated, I had no idea that “my suffering would make me stable.” So the other side of my mirror holds purpose and uniqueness. I do not, nor did I ever, have to fit in! I am a daughter, his beloved, and my identity is unlocked and unmovable through Him.
So as we embark on this New Year, instead of striving to become a “new you”, I challenge you to search the corridors of your heart and soul and consult your creator about who you truly are!
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There is something invigorating and unmatched about a person sure of themselves. May the grace and favor of God unlock new dimensions of who you are in this season (2 Corinthians 5:17).