Hey y’all! It’s been a while huh? I feel like I haven’t picked up my pen in years. I hope each of you are doing well and enjoying the summer thus far. Speaking of summer let’s talk “summer time fine.” Tis the season of sundresses, gym time, and all things of lesser fabric.
This is a season many of us thoroughly enjoy, but I wanted to deal with this from a different vantage point—self-perception summer. Dysphoria has plagued many whose bodies are not ‘summer ready’ year after year! True, some may be due to a lack of discipline while others are going through issues deeper than what is seen externally. The latter has been me.
I found myself running from mirrors, always wearing makeup and never showing my “bare” self. I began to look at my body and analyze every place that was disgusting and SURGICALLY needed work. I have dealt with body shaming for years and not solely at the hands of others but my own condemnation as well. I made a secret vow to not dress up or purchase anything because I hated what I saw just that much.
Garments began to define me while terrifying me all in the same breath. The words people did say kept ringing in my ears: “dang, you’ve gotten big”, “you use to be smaller”, “you’re pretty for a big girl”, “you keep yourself up to be bigger”, “you should pull back from the table” and etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for accountability; however, what most don’t know is not only did I have to listen to my own criticism but also I suffered from bulimia. I would starve myself, purge, or overeat and then starve all at the weight of someone else’s cultural insecurities that were imposed on me because I couldn’t see [or didn’t want to acknowledge] who truly resided beneath the surface.
I was lost with no intention to be found – Just a weeping willow refusing to make a sound. Who is it that you see? Could it be me? In the midst of all my insecurity?
I will never forget the day I phoned a friend -literal lifeline- in complete despair. I wanted to take my own life! I had been struggling with immense weight gain due to depression that many around me didn’t care to see. I told her that I’d had enough. I couldn’t bear another moment looking the way I did because I already didn’t like my current context but the added pressure of someone saying, “Girl you are huge, you need to do something.” Failing to realize I had. I stopped smoking. I had previously been smoking so much that I only could eat afterwards and as a result the weight piled on once it ceased.
The weight I carried was more than physical! It was laced in grief, guilt, sorrow, trauma, and so many other internal elements I had no grasp over. Somehow, she talked me off a ledge. She begged the question, “Paris, who are you underneath all that?!” “Who are you aside from all the trauma you’ve endured?” “What will it take for you to see there’s so much more?” These were questions no one else dared to ask but perpetuated my journey to find her!
I was in so deep that I could not even utter the words “I am worthy.” Something so simple yet something about it debilitated me in each breath. I knew what God said but somehow I couldn’t silence their voices. In many cases of disdain and hurt we have to openly acknowledge it to fully release it from our hearts. Suppression increases the stronghold and their narrative is not definite.
Though sometimes I still battle to see her, I remind myself of what my Father has told me and that is, I am royalty! I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I am ONE of ONE! Gone are the days where I pretend to be what I appear without working on what truly is (Matthew 23:27-28).
Your self-acceptance outside of society’s perception is what matters most. You were created in the image of the most beautiful supernatural being known to man (Genesis 1:27). We are shedding layers as we SOAR!
Even the most broken pieces work together to build a beautiful portrait in stained glass. What I want you all to see is what lies beneath the surface of people. Society has conditioned us to look at the outward appearance of man BUT our Bible and Savior tell us to look at the heart! (1 Samuel 16:7) If we focused on the heart of a person and build them up from the inside out we’d have a lot less plagued people. Flesh fades and withers but the inner workings of man stands the test of time.
Let’s not focus on summer bodies and focus on self-building. Societal norms are ever changing! Summer is only a season; it is your life that will speak louder than anything you exude externally. So here’s to having accountability AND building internally so the outward will reflect the manifestation of what took place inwardly (2 Corinthians 4:16).
We are the junipers that afford shade and protection in both heat and storm so the words of others and condemnation of ourselves be forever irradiated by the winds breezing over us to remind us that greater is what lies within us (Psalm 120:4 BSB). Rise up warrior! Your time is now! Shift your perspective because your words will shape your world. Choose JOY!
XoXo,
Paris