HE WAITED!!

God is GREATER than my insecurities!

Let’s talk about love! I mean after all this is the “month of love.” Lol, the ironic part is when I was praying over what I was going to release next I certainly was not thinking of this—at all. God definitely has a sense of humor. Anyway, let’s get to the meat!

What is it about love that gives you strength and courage? For me, it’s the essence of this quote:

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

I know you’re probably like Paris love shouldn’t be mad(ness) or full of conviction… However, I beg to differ. This is the essence of love! No, not the love between two people falling in love BUT that of THE FATHER!

Over the past month or so God has challenged my idea of love and to dig deeper on the various aspects of who He is. Love is the foundation of the earth and our being, but more often than not I have neglected the who of the foundation. 1 John 4:7-12;16.

As I began to dive deeper and seek what God was trying to reveal and I was reminded of the several types of love:

(1) Agape: he highest love/unconditional/sacrificial/pure

(2) Eros: romantic/physical attraction/’cupid’, and

(3) Philia: brotherly love/compassion/respect.

The madness that comes from love is not that of anger but relentless pursuit—it’s the reckless love of God. Dysfunction is not in his nature, however, what does that look like when we are operating in “dysfunction”? That’s when the part “there is always some reason in madness” comes into play. He’s not concerned of what looks good, what is the safest route, or even anyone else that may be around. He simply leaves the 99 for me [us]! The chaos, confusion, and even carnality I was bound by before crying out to him was irrelevant in an instant. That’s what agape love is—Patient and unfailing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

You see, before I really started fully living my life for Christ I was wildin’. Doing whatever I pleased whenever I pleased with the “I’m grown” mentality. Tuh, I was out here claiming to be young, wild, and free but really NO CLUE on what true freedom is or looks like. Quite frankly I didn’t really want to…being of the world is way easier—no real conviction.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I really gained language for what was transpiring. My spiritual father started a series entitled “Greater than” for this month and this particular week the subject was on insecurity. I knew it would be good (he could preach about socks and I’d be slain hahaha) but I wasn’t expecting to be wrecked. I had begged God for my identity, laid who I thought I was down, and picked up who He said that I was… so I thought. As he began to preach and illustrate the text I began to full on WEEP. I had suppressed sooo many thoughts, emotions, and memories that I didn’t even realize—until he began to call them out. This one exercise in particular, he challenged us to pull out our phones, turn the camera on to selfie mode, and just look at ourselves. Immediately I turned it because my makeup was oiling, I looked fat, hair wasn’t how I wanted it & etc. Unknowingly to most of us, statics prove that the average person cannot look at themselves for more than seven seconds without looking away. I was SHOOK! How can I have identity yet still loathe the woman in the mirror? Critique her with such harshness and no grace for growth. As a result, I began to think back to the first encounters with insecurity, my childhood.

I remember desires, dreams [literal dreams], and thoughts that were rarely if ever cultivated. I was strong early on and it was always evident in my actions and interactions. As a result, no one honed in or checked on that strong self-sufficient child. My accolades were more expected than celebrated because I possessed what would appear to be ‘innate intelligence.’ I can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve heard my family say that they are proud of me. Do they show it in instances? Yes; even brag to other people about my certain endeavors, BUT neglecting the little girl trapped inside who was oh so desperate for that verbal confirmation. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t grow up in a hostile unloving household; still, the exchange was not always reciprocal or what was needed at the time [philia love]. “what goes on in this house stays in the house” and do as I say not as I do” mentality almost killed me. It exemplifies the hiding of issues and as long as you “perfect” a thing your actions should not be in question. Due to this, I became enamored with the ‘theatrics’ of love. After all, “love is what love does” right? Consequently, this silence magnified rejection and my seek for validity.

The same captive little girl within would soon dictate every relationship thereafter. Looking for [eros] love in a platonic relationship is cool but when you have no conceptual understanding of what love is… it’s hard get right. We neglect the fact that we can be fully functioning adult children! See, the only love I knew was based on the dysfunction I witnessed, fear of repeating the mistakes in my bloodline, inadequacies I sought to hide, and self loathe. No matter how loud I’d exclaim I didn’t care my emotions would prove otherwise. I had been told “I’m too hard to love,” “too much work,” “too outspoken,” “too different,” and even too strong or “hard.” We can say words don’t bother us all day long but those kind of words are curses that live in our subconscious and eventually manifest—LOUD and clear. I do not honestly believe they were meant to leave a permanent stain but we must also make conscious efforts to think through what we say; words have power.

In addition, I was forced to come to terms with the fact I was willing to risk it all for the man I loved. Why is it that we are we so readily to sacrifice morals and values in an unhealthy love but fight the creator of love who laid down His life to save us? The same one Abraham was willing to sacrifice his own son [Isaac] for. Personally, I was too lazy to do the work. I wanted the glory but without the grit—does NOT work that way. We cannot be more consumed with this idea of love society has painted or finding “the one” more than we lean on the ONE who is and is to come! This is the fast track to self-hate and regret.

As dad [my pastor/spiritual father] elaborated on what we see when we look at us, he brought out a bucket of red water to erase the larger mirror on stage filled with negative connotations to remind us that the BLOOD washes it all away! There is a king on the inside of me that annihilates every ounce of fear and shame from my life. A decade later and I have come to the resolution purpose is greater than performance! Performance shifts perspective and alerts us to scan for praise. Although, the beauty of purpose is completely unadulterated by praise—it simply is. Because what happens when we get tired, stop performing, or no one claps? Do you forsake purpose? Stop existing? Cease to love? No! You cannot, you must NOT. The promise awaits.

Regardless of what drug(s) I took, person I slept with, or lie I may have told in anxious quest to love and be loved, He saw his daughter returning home. I was sincerely perplexed at how merciful He was. No punishment or repercussions for living in years of a sin cycle—He waited for me! Y’ALL! He waited for me to stop running, detox from addiction, and condemnation of my past to remove the scales from my eyes and restore me to full capacity. He waited to guide my hands for war and skill my fingers for battle (Psalm 144:1). –To do His work.

This has been one the most challenging (I did not want to share this) post because I had to uncover hidden hurt before advancing to the next level. I was forced to rewrite the words on my mirror and truly release. So many times I’ve tried to receive from God while holding on to the very thing I’m charged to set free. How do you receive a pour if your cup is already full? You don’t! What’s in you begins to expel and eventually you run out. There I was again, all ran out! Ran out but still resisting until He said to me, “Paris as I heal you, I’ll give you more! There is more to me so surely there is more IN you!” Whoa, just wow. So, if you’re there too, know you’re in good ground for MORE.

Fuel your spirit (inner man) and he’ll devour the flesh (2 Corinthians 4:16). Do not allow the theatrics from people or loneliness dismay you! Before Adam could receive Eve he had to know the creator intimately, the inner workings of himself to appreciate her (his rib), and lastly fulfill the call over his life. So don’t grow weary in well doing! We are not, nor will we be weary #WARRIORS!

I said all that to say, when I finally fell before his feet none of that mattered! No misstep, bad decision, sin cycle, or bondage is strong enough to keep Him from embracing you! I admonish you to dig deep, find the ‘why’ behind how you love (or don’t love) the way you do? –Freedom and liberation lies here; something you could never receive from another being. Whatever has altered you, build an altar there, for this is where God will dwell. Whatever you omit or fail to deal with transcends to your children, therefore birthing them into inequities. The cross was His altar, the blood shed sealed the covenant of His altar, perfected the promise, & now the only thing left to do is pursue and watch Him perform His reckless love!

#WoundedTurnedWARRIOR #WarriorEffect